My Initial Reaction to the Film

Initial Reactions to ALS

08/19/2019

• The film is finished. I watched it once and was dismayed. I didn’t like it. I was shocked and sort of disgusted to see myself. I was fat, old and physically disabled. My speech was barely intelligible. My initial response was “I don’t want anyone to see me like this!”

• Interestingly, I don’t see myself that way. I feel fantastic. My body and mind are alive. During my practice my body feels light and airy, buoyant, floating, almost weightless. I have released my spine through my breath. I have reestablished my subconscious “righting reflexes”. My movements have even taken on a bit of elegance.

• Through yoga, accessing my energy body, I happened on a way into the neuromuscular control centers. Once I realized this fact, I saw an opportunity and operationalized that portal to reconnect to my muscles. That process involved bringing the steps involved in a physical action, in granular detail, to my consciousness. It was very simple movements at first, (i.e. sitting up unsupported with my core rather than my arms carrying the load), and over time those complex integrations became more natural. The process continues to this day and appears to be accelerating. I now remember what it was like to actually be in my body. Imagine my joy in rediscovery. I imagined feeling like an infant discovering that their feet actually belong to them:)

• I watched the film several times yesterday morning and then Tina and I had a long conversation. The film presented a sharp contrast between what I am feeling and what I was seeing. Tina helped put that in a context that explained this quandary. The film of me naked displays my physical body in stark reality. My initial reaction was revulsion. That is not me!! The explanation is that I have discovered my energy body and that is what has informs my self-image. My physical body is severely disabled, but my energy body is alive and well and continues to grow in capability and complexity, conferring the same to my physical body. I now understand.